Went to Quebec City this past summer. The Festival D’Ete de Quebec. It all started as a bright idea of my best friend from high school. A trip to re-live my misspent youth and watch some Geezers play rock n’ roll. The outdoor concert that happens every summer there. The plan was supposed to be awesome. 120,000 people watching crotchety Septuagenarians waddle across the Plains of Abraham. Singing songs in English to the multitudes of people present. The vast majority with only rudimentary understanding of the lyrics to the songs being performed. It wasn’t lost on me the irony of the spectacle. Here I would be at the place where the English defeated the French in North America..
It had been a long time since I spent a weekend in that place. Almost 30 years in fact. Man alive a lot has changed. Last time there Quebec City was pur laine. Today not so much.
Fast forward and I am back again. Same broken French. Trying my best to muddle my way thru that place. It was Thursday night, The Who was playing. Seeing as it was last minute, my Buddy and I got a less expensive place in Ste. Foy. Only problem with it was you had to take cab that cost 60 bucks or take the bus with the Deltas and Epsilons downtown. The plan would have worked but only for my friend who decided to get drunk and pass out. Me being a cheap cunt and with nobody to spilt the fare decided to make the leap into the Brave New World. So I say fuck it I am going see Roger Daltrey, Pete Townsend and the Who.
Off I went. How hard could it be. Boy I was wrong.
Getting on the bus was the first shock. The closer I got to the city centre the darker the crowd got. Like Admin I couldn’t figure out the problem. So here I am doing my best to look at the floor and not make any eye contact with the locals. As a result I missed my stop.
Didn’t see it at first.
Didn’t help that all the announcements were in French.
So on I went getting more and more lost.
At any rate I soon realized my predicament and realized I had to get off bus and double back. So here I am entre de hood where aucune parle Anglais. It wasn’t Compton but it wasn’t Mayberry either…
I am like, “how bad can it be” just stand at bus stop and catch the next bus. Only problem was that when I reached in my pocket I had no change. Fuck!
Pas de problem there is a corner store across the street. Juste go there with my argent et prendre some gomme. I walk in the store. It wasn’t busy just me, the guy at the cash, and two black guys towing a fat Yvette thru the aisles. I figured got this under control.
Just get the gum keep the French down to mute grunts and the occasional “merci”.
Get my change and get the fuck out of there. It was no dice on my fucken plan.
Well me being a dumbfuck I had to pick the most expensive gum in store, Trident if I recall, after walking by a display selling, Extra two fer one. So I get to the counter. Drop the twenty. Dumb fucken move because if I had of looked behind me I was now joined by the two apes from the Congo and their fat sex toy from Quebec. This is when I was busted!
The clerk at the counter kindly told me of the special deal on gum directly behind me. Of course I didn’t have a fucken clue what he was talking about. After fumbling a bit with french I just told him straight up that I speak English. Now I am really fucked. I got cash on me and everyone there knows that I am lost
So I get what I came for and walk out the door. Yvette and her two Apes right on my tail. I figured well this is it. I picture the headlines back home….
Local Man Get Assaulted in Quebec, Police Investigating
I make it to bus stop. GREAT! Then look around and see no other customers standing there. BAD! Looking over my shoulder and one of the guys is coming over to talk to me. SHIT! Now this fine fellow already knows that I don’t speak french. Yet he then proceeds to ask me for a cigarette in French. By now it IS obvious to everyone what is GOING TO HAPPEN. He tries again and now I am getting pissed. He was just sizing me up. I don’t no why he didn’t give it a go. Christ he was half my age!
I looked him straight in the eye and said.. In my best English…
I don’t smoke and I don’t speak french..
You Yanks might not appreciate this but saying that in the hood in Ville de Quebec is same as throwing down the gauntlet on Fight Night at Madison Square Garden.
Still for whatever reason the guy decided the “cigarette” wasn’t worth the hassle. I think it was the fear in my eyes disguised as crazy. Though I have had loads of experience at both. At any rate, he slunks off, defeated on his mission. Proceeds to pile into the car with his Yvette. Gives me a shit eye and then drives off..
All I have to say to all this is FUCK YOU TRUDEAU! My Generation wants to tell you to take your diversity gives us strength bullshit and shove it up yer ass…….
I ended up missing the concert…though I did see Metallica the next night.
It was awesome